I’m living an ephemeral edge these days, trying to reach a balance of staying here, with what is now, and an acute awareness of the frail connection between someone being here in physical form and their eventually not being accessible to the physical senses.
My mom, who has a heart condition she chose not to have surgery for, has far outlived the doctors’ time estimate from two years ago. However, she recently had two episodes of chest pain, with some fever in between. In the last few days she’s had a reprieve, as she has been less tired and short of breath after an increase in one of her medications.
But over the last two weeks I have been swinging between tears of sadness and trying to stay in this now moment in which she is still with us.
My challenge right now is how to experience fully whatever feelings arise, without being whipped around as if by some of these March winds we’ve had. I was exploring ideas about some way to be detached so as not to experience the wild swings, but then I realized it’s more about the stories in my head about what was going to happen with each change in her condition.
“Oh, she might go next week – I have to consider how to clear my schedule in case…” or “Oh, now she’s better, and I can let go of all those worries and go on like she’ll be here for a long time…”
I have been living in the future with each of the changes.
The practice for me is to really connect with each moment when I am with her or when we are talking over the phone.
I can remind myself that trying to prepare and plan for possible scenarios is taking me out of this moment. I can choose to remember that Divine Order and Love undergird everything, to remember that I can lean back in trust that All Is Well, to remember to enjoy each moment.
And maybe, just maybe, this practice will spill over into savoring every moment, with each person I encounter and in each experience I have. My prayer is that I remember to say YES to Life in each moment.
How about you? Have you been experiencing any emotional “March winds”? Are there situations or relationships that seem to knock you off balance? What might support you in staying present? How can you give yourself what you need?
Let’s aim to be more like the trees, rooted in the earth, feeling the winds and the feelings, bending if need be, but able to be grateful and fully grounded in the Present.
Lois, I found your thoughts so helpful at this time of transition in my life. I’m leaving my job, going to spend an undefined time with my mom during her health issues, and then moving to the town where my daughter lives. The encouragement to live in the moment is just what I need right now!
Wow, Kristine, that’s a massive amount of change! Yes, staying in the moment is key, as well as making sure to be gentle with yourself. Big hugs!
p.s. Please give your mother my love.
I will! And love to your dad from me…
Dear Lois, I completely resonate with this meditation. I am riding a roller coaster of feelings too these days as we deal with my Dad’s health issues, hospice care, and the fault-lines of my own relationship with him over the years. Thanks for the reminder to stay in the moment and grounded in love & gratitude. xoxo
Oh yes, Bec, those fault-lines (and isn’t that a telling word?!) come up for healing and release while we still can, at least still in person. I’ll be thinking of you as well. xoxo
Beautiful insights on staying present in the shifting sands of life. Lots of love coming your way <3
Thanks so much, Ronda! I appreciate that love.
Dear Lois,
Your writing resonated with me as well. We so often are not in the moment, but planning for any and all eventualities. I think I spend at least as much time preparing for the future as simply being in the moment. I aspire to be more in the moment, and find it to be so calming/centering when I can. I often feel I have to give myself permission to do so, as my mind constantly tells me I SHOULD be doing other things. Thanks for the reminder.
Yes, Jane! Those voices that tell us we have to DO something in order to be… what? valid? worthy? okay? I love your awareness about giving yourself permission to find that calm.
Yes, Lois, how often we do that – looking ahead to the “when” instead of living in the “right now” with what’s in front of us. Often it is the ones we don’t expect to leave who do. That catches us by surprise since we’ve been concentrating on the one who “might” leave at any moment. ALL of us can leave “at any moment,” so let’s live in that “every” moment.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kittygayle. I appreciate the reminder that “ALL of us can leave “at any moment,” so let’s live in that “every” moment.” Yes, yes, yes.
Lois, I was so connected to this beautiful writing of your awareness of the struggles we all have with staying present and living life. My heart goes out to you as your Mom deals with her health issues day to day and the question we all have as to what and how much to be involved with one we love. I have a dear friend who has finally after decades of ill health opted for hospice care.
I see her spirit at peace and a part of me cries our for healing. But that manifests in multiple ways so leaving it with God, the source of Life brings peace. May that also be the essence in which you walk too. xoxo Gloria
Thanks for this, Gloria! Yes, healing manifests in all kinds of ways and God’s peace is my prayer for all of us. And for you with your friend’s choice. xoxo
Lois, you express so well the thoughts and feelings that blow this way and that as we struggle to just stand. You are well rooted and able to feel with your flexible limbs what is there to absorb. For me, it was so much easier knowing that my husband’s spirit would still be. Blessings, light, and love to you! Royce
Thanks for your words of encouragement, Royce. I want to keep remembering that my mom’s spirit will still BE.
Lois, this is so beautiful. You are doing so well to be mindful while going through this health concern with your mother. It brings me back to the days when my mother was transitioning between worlds. I love the strength and courage you have in facing this – and in being so open and authentic with the rest of us about your experiences. Sending you so much love! xoxo
Thanks, Kim! I appreciate your kind words, your love, and knowing that you’ve been through this as well.
Holding you with a virtual hug as you experience this precious time.
❤️❤️
Thank so much, Janet! It means a lot! xo