I’m living an ephemeral edge these days, trying to reach a balance of staying here, with what is now, and an acute awareness of the frail connection between someone being here in physical form and their eventually not being accessible to the physical senses.
My mom, who has a heart condition she chose not to have surgery for, has far outlived the doctors’ time estimate from two years ago. However, she recently had two episodes of chest pain, with some fever in between. In the last few days she’s had a reprieve, as she has been less tired and short of breath after an increase in one of her medications.
But over the last two weeks I have been swinging between tears of sadness and trying to stay in this now moment in which she is still with us.
My challenge right now is how to experience fully whatever feelings arise, without being whipped around as if by some of these March winds we’ve had. I was exploring ideas about some way to be detached so as not to experience the wild swings, but then I realized it’s more about the stories in my head about what was going to happen with each change in her condition.
“Oh, she might go next week – I have to consider how to clear my schedule in case…” or “Oh, now she’s better, and I can let go of all those worries and go on like she’ll be here for a long time…”
I have been living in the future with each of the changes.
The practice for me is to really connect with each moment when I am with her or when we are talking over the phone.
I can remind myself that trying to prepare and plan for possible scenarios is taking me out of this moment. I can choose to remember that Divine Order and Love undergird everything, to remember that I can lean back in trust that All Is Well, to remember to enjoy each moment.
And maybe, just maybe, this practice will spill over into savoring every moment, with each person I encounter and in each experience I have. My prayer is that I remember to say YES to Life in each moment.
How about you? Have you been experiencing any emotional “March winds”? Are there situations or relationships that seem to knock you off balance? What might support you in staying present? How can you give yourself what you need?
Let’s aim to be more like the trees, rooted in the earth, feeling the winds and the feelings, bending if need be, but able to be grateful and fully grounded in the Present.